What Families Experiencing Loss Actually Need

From the Desk of Maddy the Doula Lady

What Families Experiencing Loss Actually Need

If someone you love has experienced pregnancy or infant loss, you want to help. But you don't know what to say. You're afraid of making it worse. This is for you.

When a family loses a baby — whether through miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death — the people around them usually want to help. But they don't know how.

So they say nothing. Or they say the wrong thing. Or they disappear entirely.

I've sat with hundreds of grieving families. I've heard what they actually needed versus what they got. Here's what I've learned.

What They DON'T Need

Please Don't Say These Things

"Everything happens for a reason." — There is no reason good enough for a baby to die. This minimizes their pain.

"At least you can try again." — This baby was not replaceable. Another pregnancy doesn't erase this loss.

"At least it was early." — Loss at any stage is devastating. There is no "at least."

"God needed another angel." — Many families find this hurtful rather than comforting.

"I know how you feel." — Unless you've experienced this exact loss, you don't. And even then, everyone's grief is different.

Nothing at all. — Silence feels like abandonment. Saying something imperfect is better than disappearing.

I know these phrases come from a good place. People want to comfort. They want to make sense of something senseless. But these words land like wounds on top of wounds.

What They Actually Need

What Helps

Your presence. Just show up. Sit with them. You don't need to talk.

To hear their baby's name. Say it. Ask about them. Let them talk about their baby.

Acknowledgment that their baby existed. This was a real baby. A real loss. A real member of their family.

Practical help. Bring food. Do laundry. Pick up their other kids. Mow their lawn. Don't ask what they need — just do something.

Permission to grieve however they need to. Some people cry. Some people go numb. Some people need to talk constantly. Some people can't talk at all. All of it is okay.

Continued support. Everyone shows up the first week. The real grief often hits later — at the due date, the anniversary, the holidays. Check in then too.

What to Actually Say

Words That Help

"I'm so sorry. I love you. I'm here."

"I don't know what to say, but I want you to know I care."

"Can I bring dinner Tuesday? I'm coming either way."

"Tell me about [baby's name]."

"I'm thinking about you and [baby's name] today."

Simple. Honest. Present.

For Partners and Spouses

If your partner experienced the physical loss, remember: they're grieving AND recovering from a medical event. Their body is going through postpartum changes without a baby to show for it. Milk may come in. Hormones are crashing. They may be in physical pain.

And you're grieving too. Your loss is real. Don't forget to take care of yourself while you care for them.

What Partners Can Do

Handle the phone calls and visitors so they don't have to.

Make decisions about food, logistics, and household tasks.

Hold them without trying to fix anything.

Talk about the baby. Say their name.

Get your own support — a friend, a counselor, a support group. You can't pour from an empty cup.

For Healthcare Workers

If you work in labor and delivery, NICU, or any setting where you encounter pregnancy loss:

Clinical Compassion

Slow down. These families are in shock. They won't remember most of what you say. Repeat important information. Write things down.

Use the baby's name. If they've chosen one, use it. If they haven't, ask what they'd like you to call their baby.

Offer choices. Do they want to hold their baby? Do they want photos? Do they want more time? Let them decide.

Don't rush them. Whenever possible, give them time. Those hours with their baby may be all they ever get.

Follow up. A phone call a few days later means more than you know.

The Grief Doesn't End

Here's what most people don't understand: this grief doesn't have an expiration date.

Society gives bereaved parents about two weeks of sympathy. Then everyone expects them to "move on." But grief doesn't work that way.

"There is no moving on. There is only moving forward — carrying their baby with them always."

The due date will come and go. The anniversary of the loss. The holidays. Every pregnancy announcement from friends and family. Every baby shower invitation. Every "how many kids do you have?" question from strangers.

If you want to support a grieving family, mark those dates. Reach out. Let them know you remember.

If This Is You

If you're reading this because you've lost a baby — I'm so sorry. Your baby mattered. Your grief is valid. And you're not alone, even when it feels like you are.

There are people who understand. Support groups. Therapists who specialize in pregnancy loss. Bereavement doulas who can walk alongside you.

You don't have to carry this alone.

The Bottom Line

Grieving families don't need you to fix their pain. They need you to witness it. To stay. To say their baby's name. That's everything.

Love,
Maddy the Doula Lady 💙

✿ ✿ ✿

Want to learn how to support grieving families?
Download Chapter 1 of the Bereavement Doula Training Workbook free.

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For doulas, nurses, chaplains, and anyone who supports families through loss

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